You are overacting- By Sarah Mohapatra !!

I was sweating profusely the weather was cool, It had rained just few minutes back but still I felt so uneasy. My mind was not in the right place; it was rambling jargons and names of people I had never heard. It was playing scenes I did not wish to see. I kept questioning myself ,"Why is all this happening? I just had dinner few hours back , this is like my daily routine. So what is wrong with me today?" Well I instantly regret questioning myself because the answer was obvious I had barely slept the entire week. But this wasn't an "excuse" to take rest. The reason was the obvious, horrendous and terrific torture and nightmare of every student in my country : Board Exams ( I am not exaggerating!!). I was in my 10th and since it was the covid season we were the our education system's new "lab rats". There were several new changes made to our exam pattern. The thought of not only giving such a competitive exam but also excelling in it gave me chills. Now the big twist was that we had to give our boards twice. That was seriously the death of me (I assure you my ghost is writing this !).

But then there was nothing else I could do other than persevere. That is what I have been doing all my school years. Academics is the very bane of my existence. My life is not heart breaking or tragic. It is how life is supposed to be ,filled ups and downs (mostly downs). I was an awkward kid all my life. Making friends was even more difficult than climbing the Everest. The sight of people made me nervous and I would often end up embarrassing myself. While others were proficient or "all rounders" , I was always mad at myself because I could not be like "them". That is when studies played an important part of my life. I am not attention seeker( that would be the last thing I would wish for) but I did crave for validation and appreciation from people who mattered to me. There was no other way I could achieve so apart from bringing a bunch of " A+" in studies. This pretty much sums up why I am so obsessed with studies. Silly mistakes would freak me out, Not being able to sit for 8hrs at a stretch freak me out, forgetting a single line freaks me out. That is because being "bookish" or "good with grades" was the only way I could compensate for all my deficiencies (at least in my mind).

Whenever I scored great, my parent appreciated. I have got adorable parents , they love me to the moon and back. It is the overflowing fountain of love that makes me question , "Do I deserve this? What have I done to deserve this?" another question that always creeped into my heart no matter how much I suppressed it , "Will they love me the same if I didn't put enough efforts into my studies?". It was this question that terrified me , that always kept me in check. Growing up in a competitive environment like that of India can be quite intimidating. Every time I was compared for marks, grades. Every time some or the other person looked down on me because I could not score a mark more than some Sharma's or Gupta's son. So to never let these complaints affect me, I ensured that nothing could interfere in my academics. I became so fanatic behind marks and grades that I completely ignored myself. Just to console myself , I would often convince that friends are not a necessity rather they are a distraction (This is clearly not true if you have the right one. I learned it the hard way. I learned it through the absence of one). I tried to find happiness by being alone and I was for a while but then I stopped liking my company. Over the years, My insecurities manifested in bold and terrific ways that made me hate myself. Now being alone made me feel lonely. Seeing others enjoy with friends, maintaining themselves and their social life along with their studies made me feel pathetic. I started to feel like why can't I be balance like my school mates. How long should I console myself with things like "they might look pretty but you are intelligent" I knew all of these consolation were not true, My mind just made them up to make me feel good. But these bubbles had to burst . They did and I am glad they did. I know I am not perfect, I am still the same person I was before but what really changed was how I looked at people around me. I no longer look at the people feeling pathetic about myself. No one deserves to feel this way. If you are reading this, let me tell you that YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS. You might not be perfect but who wants to be perfect, Just be you.

Hi! Myself Sarah, I founded Share Hope and Healing (SH2) with the aim to spread awareness about mental health and mental wellbeing. Mental health does not always have to be a serious talk including "depression", "anxiety", "mental illnesses". It also includes our everyday emotional well-being, our ability to cope with stress, and our overall psychological resilience. We must understand that mental health is not a sign of weakness or a personal failing. It is a natural part of the human experience, and anyone can be affected, regardless of age, gender, race, or social status. For me mental wellbeing means "Being Kind to your Mind". We at Share hope and healing aim to foster a holistic community where each one of you is welcome to share their stories and thoughts. Your insights will surely help people to feel good and included. We publish all kinds of blogs, articles, poems and art pieces related to mental health.